(OS) dream lantern — himari

Somehow, I kind of knew it already. That these seemingly casual messages would definitely end up in impromptu dinner plans - especially as I was texting with one hand, the other busy whisking the fresh cream away. He does not need any extra excuse to show up asking for food anymore, really. As if the past few weeks only gave him the go to upgrade from me paying the restaurant bill to straight-up homemade meals.

Honestly, I don’t mind that much.

It’s a win-win situation: he gets food, I get to stay home. We seem to have come to one of these comfortable agreements that keep me at peace, on who provides the extra ingredients, on where and when to Apparate in the apartment. It took me a while to get used to it - but since that time, I really do not want anyone else to find him half-dead at the door - not even me.

It’s getting late, but still not late enough. Fourteen hours. That’s the time difference I have to keep track of to get news from Sawako, without being scared to wake her up at some ungodly hour. Baking keeps me awake and busy - and now, also provides dessert for a guest, it seems.

The snow outside the window makes for some pretty curtains, only lit up by a couple of rays of moonlight. I finish assembling the layers of crepes to add a strawberry on top, sitting at the kotatsu as I wait for Akira to show up with the missing ingredients. Silence only disturbed by the bubbling steaming sound of the rice cooker in the corner.

Ten thirty. Eight in the morning for Sawako and Felix. My fingers send a casual text to my friend, with some seasonal greetings. I haven’t seen or talked to her since I woke up that day at their place - they’ve been pretty busy with family. Almost expecting her to send me a picture of the view to show me what Haiti looks like - but no.

She… calls?

I hold my phone properly, taken aback by the initiative. Good morning!! I say, as I wave my hand to the screen. Beach waves in the back, the sun on Sawako’s face shaking off the sleepiness. Seems nice. Warm. She looks happy, too.

But that sound. Shoot, Akira’s here.

I hold onto the call as naturally as I can - trying to keep up with the casual conversation, about Christmas, about the market. My eyes keep shifting between the entrance and my phone, uncontrollable. What to do. This is really not the time to open up that can of worms. Yo yo yo Yokoooi- I let out a fake cough, trying to cover up the sound of his voice. Sending him a silent look of “please be quiet for a minute” - although the message doesn’t seem as clear as it is in my head.

So that’s what it is. Conflict of interest. My heart rate immediately goes up, thoughts racing through my head in trying to decide on what would be the next move to preserve the peace. Akira seems unbothered, trying to get inside the camera frame as I dodge the move with a swift gesture. Sitting down in front of me at the kotatsu with that face screaming “things are not going my way and I don’t like it” - I frown back. I know. Give me a minute.

Sawako is not stupid. She’s way smarter than I am, even, and I am really bad at keeping a straight face when overthinking takes over and I start panicking. My eyes shift to Akira on the other side of the table - foraging through his pockets, to take out a… shrub? I cannot refrain from letting out a surprised pout, my eyebrows raising by themselves. Eyes shifting again between him and the camera, trying to hold onto the conversation - as I watch him pour a glass of water to drop the small stem in there, pushing it towards my hands holding my phone. New look and new attempt at silent communication - what is that? I try to brush Sawako’s suspicions away - not the time or the place to start this conversation, really - with my most idiotic excuses. I feel so stupid. Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Himari.

I get back on track with the conversation as Akira seems to have dropped the whole “plant in a cup of water” antics. Trying to appease my heartbeats under pressure. Keeping a smile throughout the whole call, although Sawako can probably tell when it’s fake by now. New attempt at deflecting things out by shifting the conversation to Felix’s family, as I know it has been quite a big deal for her in the past few weeks. In front of me, Akira seems agitated again. He really cannot sit still for more than three seconds. Taking off his sweater for some reason. My brain tells me to ignore him, but I can’t help it - my eyes shift directly to the healing scar as his shirt slips out for a second. Frames flashing inside my head of that… dream from the other day. Hand on my back, breath against my neck. I feel my cheeks flaring up, making me stutter in the process - calling me back to reality in a split second. My overthinking really does not need another layer of stupid dreams on top of it - it’s already bad enough.

Focus, Himari. Brushing away another question from Sawako. I feel bad now. Panic and Anxiety are now welcoming their new friend Guilt. My guest is really not done, though. Probably will not be until I hang up. I need to make this quick before I go too far. But I see it. I feel it. He’s now staring at me from the other side of the kotatsu, that ravenous idiot. Slowly getting closer to my face, only shielded by the phone I hold in front of me. Hi - ma - ri. My heart skips a beat. Shut up. Another excuse comes out of my mouth, as I cannot seem to be in control of them anymore. Trying to deflect again. Akira’s unexpected finger on my arm takes me by surprise again, and I shudder, catching my phone at the last second. …oops, almost dropped you, sorry! My laugh sounds so fake. I hate it.

The cake becomes another one of these desperate attempts to convince her I’m all good and that she does not need to inquire further. Somehow also creates some kind of diversion for Akira who seems to have only noticed the cake just now. Pointing at it, then at himself. I glaze back at him. Yeah, sure, yours.

But now Sawako is asking me to scan through my place with the camera, as a strange remote inspection of the place. Fine. One of my hands waves Akira off, and he gets it - or at least, the “hide away” part. I try to film the entire place without wavering, as Sawako gets closer to her phone to watch. Why does she sound like my mom just now. Mom. The thought hits another layer in my heart, that I quickly brush off. Nothing you can do now. Sad but vibrant memories broken my Akira’s hand on my foot, making me jumpy out of the blue, trying to not trip over it and crash face first onto my bed. I give him another stare. What the heck?!

But of course, he gets impatient. I don’t know which part of me is still surprised at this, as I hear him letting another snarky line out loud - making Sawako jump to the roof in a split second. THAT!! EXACTLY THAT!! What?! That’s it, that’s panic right here. Exactly what?! Did you hear something? I’ve always been terrible when it comes to hiding things, but that one takes the cake. I can’t do this. Sawako’s face also changes - and I know. I know exactly what she thinks and feels. I hate it. I hate myself right now. You’ve done this one time too many. This needs to stop. That’s when they start to leave.

I don’t even pay attention to the small pieces of paper Akira seems to have decided to throw at me anymore. I give in - muttering some half-apology, without completely admitting anything either. I can’t. She’s enjoying her holidays, we’re fourteen hours apart. Now is not the time.

Oh yeah, I meant to tell you, there's this guy who used to blackmail me a couple of years ago and I never said anything about it, I somehow found him half-dead on the school’s floor last month and had to stitch him up, I had a stupid dream about him and now he’s waiting for me to feed him- not sure what that is, also, by the way, that’s the guy who used to bully you in school and gave you social anxiety. Happy Holidays!

No way. Not now, not like that.

Her dismissive tone breaks my heart, but it really cannot be the time or the place. I make a last effort to smile, trying to ease her worries, but that probably just makes it worse. When she finally hangs up, all I can do is roll down on the floor in my own anxiety, dropping my phone on the table. Ugh… Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. All of it together, I guess.

I stay there for a little while. Trying to sort out my thoughts and convince myself that it will be okay - once I fix it. Hearing Akira complaining in the background, while I just. Stay there. Without saying a single word. It will be fine. I’ll apologize later. I’ll tell her, eventually. Eventually. Akira seems to have caught up in what’s being tangled in my mind though. What’s wrong? I let out a sigh, still lying down on my stomach on the carpet, rolling on my side a little. I’m the worst, I let out. I hope that she didn’t recognize this voice. Give me that at least. I grab my phone, hesitating a bit. I’ll give a proper apology later… My fingers swipe through the list of stickers to send her something cute. Some kind of bonus signal, I guess. I know. I’m sorry. Love you. I’m not sure she will get it - I know how it goes when she’s mad, now. Time is the only good answer.

I stand up again, in a sigh to collect my thoughts, fingers running through my fringe to fix it up. Akira is standing near the kitchen corner, probably dying to get his hands on something to bite. Look, I even bring you a sprout with the chicken. I look at the poor thing on the table with a puzzled look, letting out a small laugh. I saw that. Getting closer to the stem, I check it with my hands, softly running my fingertips on the leaves. Don’t know what it is but- Knotweed. Jajappo. That’s how grandma calls it. Muggles say it can be used as a painkiller. How appropriate. It goes with all your- stuff. My eyes follow his hand as he vaguely points out at the several plants I have accumulated over the past few years in my small apartment. Disassorted pots and leaves, some in better shape than others. Gifts, purchases, or rescues - just like this one. Right. I take the glass and put it on one of the shelves near the vanity table, closer to a spot that gets more sun during daytime. It doesn’t look too good but it’s known for being of the strong kind, so I’ll still give it a try… Just like the others. They all deserve a second chance. I’m still a bit confused as to how he ended up picking up this random stem to bring it over here, though. I hear the sound of the plastic wrap opening behind me. You call your friends pretty late. That's - unexpected of you. Sawako and Felix are in Haiti for the holidays, I explain simply while coming back to the kitchen. There’s quite the time difference. But he’s right. I usually don’t. I’m either reading or sitting on the rooftop. Or texting hangry demon guys who seem to never have a proper fixed sleep schedule.

My feelings of guilt slowly get quiet, in the comforting routine that sets in place around the stovetop. Later. Will deal with this later. The oil is already boiling in the pan for the chicken, as I get the plates ready. Akira washes his hands next to me, in that small corner my tiny kitchen with no counter space makes up. As soon as he cuts off the water, I grab one of them without warning - to inspect the scar. Not sure why. I just had to. Turning it over to check both sides of that piercing wound that froze my entire blood flow just by looking at it a month ago. They’re all healing nicely, I let out quietly. Even the other one, on the side of his chest. I saw it. Somehow, I get surprised by my own move, flustered at the contact I initiated myself out of pure curiosity - letting the hand go free in a swift move, turning back to the stovetop to soak the chicken strips in egg yolks and panko, with a small cough. Just cook, Himari.

Carefully putting the strips in the boiling oil to fry them, I barely notice Akira going back and forth between his stuff and the kitchen. Yeah - by the way. Hmm. My eyes do not deviate - focused on deep-frying these cutlets to add them on top of the rice later on. I've found this - at the Christmas market. I raise my head up, as he’s back next to me - with that paper bag he started to destroy like a rabid dog just to get on my nerves earlier. Not really thinking much of anything, until- he hands it out to me? Here. I hesitate for a second, letting the chopsticks down as I finish frying another chicken strip, before carefully grabbing the bag. Eh? I barely have time to get the bag that Akira already takes the chopsticks over, leaving me out of a job.

I guess I’m supposed to check what’s inside, then…? I carefully open the bag, taking out a small round object, wrapped in some soft velvet cloth. My eyebrows frown a little, out of pure curiosity and confusion. Unwrapping the artefact carefully with my fingertips, to reveal a small, chalky stone, glowing lightly between my hands. My moves, just like the object, feel delicate. Fascinated. It's er – a real one. You know what is it? I know exactly what it is. I’ve stared at it for way too long to not know. The moon… -it's a lamp. From real moon fragment. I stay silent for a while, mesmerized. I had no idea real fragments were a thing.

Akira gently takes it away from my hands and I don’t even flinch at the contact. Almost hypnotized by the glowing stone, but also too confused to say or do anything. Not sure what to do or say. My eyes follow the moonstone as Akira makes it levitate in a soft gesture, making me quietly flinch with surprise. Surprise of suddenly seeing it floating around, of watching him showing some rare gentleness. I’m more used to his obnoxious bluntness. ...so yeah. It's basically a lamp that floats. Textbook Sawano line. I would have let out a laugh at the blunt pragmatism, but I don’t say anything, too fascinated. But it's made from the moon, and doesn't need magic so – you know. The moon, no magic… My eyes strand away from the stone to catch his expression, as I’m starting to understand where this is all going. His pupils strangely seem to be fleeting away with… awkwardness? Now that’s new. It's for you. Here.​​ My heart skips a beat. I look at the stone again, gently poked to slowly levitate to me. For me? That’s definitely new. But somehow, it makes me feel at ease. Still confused, but at peace - looking at the artifact, so pure, delicate and peaceful. Thinking that he picked it out just for me. It’s so pretty. My heart fills with warmth, as I let out a sincere smile, almost laughing with serenity when the moonstone spins around near my hand. Catching his face with my eyes again, as he’s seemingly furiously concentrating on frying the last chicken strips. I know he probably won’t say more. Probably doesn’t want to. Thank you. My voice seems to crystallize this soothing feeling, shooing away the last of my worries about the situation from earlier. That’s really all I can say. That’s really all I want to say.

Breaking away from that bubble, I gently take the moonstone to place it near the window - next to the sparkly and colorful discomoon Sawako got me at the festival a few months ago. The sight of those two special objects side by side, holding so many similar characteristics yet so drastically different one from the other, gives me some kind of strangely fuzzy feeling - I feel seen, somehow. Although a bit sad about my earlier conversation, at the same time. But I give a little poke to the small moonstone with a smile, leaning on my knees and one hand on my bed, before heading back to the kitchen. Akira has already found the bowls, filled them up with rice - to which I grab a couple of eggs and crack them open on top while he holds both of them, one in each hand, before adding the fried chicken, cooking up the whites and yolks with natural heat. I'm so ready to eat. Let's go. I just nod, throwing the shells in the trash. I barely have time to turn my back and come back to the kotatsu that he has already started digging into the bowl - without surprise.

I sit down as well. A lot less hungry, less in a hurry to burn my tongue, just thoughtfully mixing my rice and egg with my chopsticks in silence. A bit more relaxed than a few minutes ago, still putting back the pieces together. Of that knotweed stem, picked up on the way. Of a gift, picked out for me. That the biggest surprises seem to come much later after our first encounter, really. Months ago, I wouldn’t have thought he would be the type to try to rescue some random plant, much less to give something to me as a present. Letting out a quaint smile out of the blue, mindlessly catching that innocent child-like expression he wears when he eats. Remembering how stupid I felt when I walked past that shop at the market as well - now a lot more relaxed with that thought.

I can’t finish my bowl. It’s always too much, especially when I know there is dessert coming. Pushing my leftovers towards Akira. I’m full. If you want seconds, you can have it, I say, munching on a last piece of chicken before I give up. It’s always like that - how convenient to have someone who always makes sure there is nothing edible left in the plates. Leaning back against the side of my bed, I let it slide down a bit, before crawling back to the piano. Used more as a shelf or a desk than a music instrument, lately - but I don’t even see it anymore. I grab a paper bag myself, tucked away near one of my backpacks.

My hands put a small rectangle-shaped package on the table. Wrapped in light blue paper, that I quietly push towards Akira without a word at first. Err, I- Merlin, that’s still awkward. I got something too. And was too shy to stop them when the shopkeeper started wrapping it in paper - half because I knew it would just be another useless obstacle to the point, half because I did not want to think of it as a gift either. Yet. My fingers fidget with the seam of my knit jacket, and my eyes nervously focus on the box, quickly opened up. I… I saw them the other day, and because I also have one, I… [Vous devez être inscrit et connecté pour voir ce lien], carved with intricate patterns, and a small lever on the side. Mine has a sunflower engraved on the inside of the top lid - but this one has the Scorpio constellation, softly glowing as the box is opened. It’s a music box. Yeah, obviously, Himari. It plays the [Vous devez être inscrit et connecté pour voir ce lien] that matches best your emotional state when you wind it up. You never know what you will get, I describe quietly with a faint smile, as my fingers mimic a spiraling move, careful to not invade any kind of personal space with my nervous explanations. Mine helps me sleep... I thought- you could also use some quiet nights yourself as well. You know, without nightmares, or anything. He’ll know. Somehow, sleep is a topic that comes back quite often in our conversations - aside from these shared nightmares from last month. I never dared to ask, but he knows I know too. With the few pieces of information that I got from that strange dream, this dark apartment, this letter. It’s really not much, I feel the need to add, with a nervous laugh to deflect my awkwardness.

I thought it would be easier, after receiving that gift a few minutes ago, but I’m still not sure what to make of it. Not sure to know where I stand, lately, with all that has happened. Where this is all going either. I’m so good at sympathizing with others, but I suck at reading through my own thoughts. The beginning of it all feels like a billion years ago - as if we were different people as well. Not sure how it also came down to this, in a strangely warm feeling of comfort and routine. Reminding myself that there is really no reason left to keep it up, now that my parents know. But what would become of this after the truth gets out? It scares me, to break the peace. To make this delicate balance tip over. To see more people leave. I’ll tell him too, eventually. But not now either.

I break away from my own mind, letting out a nervous cough again, before standing up to grab a couple of plates and utensils in the kitchen cupboard. Coming back to kneel before the kotatsu table, cutting out the cake carefully, and sliding a couple of servings on the dishes. Pushing a plate towards Akira, as I bite into the strawberry left on top of the cake with an attempt of a smug smile, leaning on the table with one of my hand. Time for you to make yourself useful and tell me if it’s any good, I let out in a small voice, raising my eyebrows, playing with the half-eaten fruit stem near my mouth. Deflecting more of my tangled up feelings and awkwardness to something familiar - our stupid duels with words, never failing to bring out my rarely seen sassy side.

And Merry Christmas.