❀ spring thief (himari & jinsoo)

Eerie contrast between the cutesy ringtone of a bird chirping notifying Himari of new LINE messages on her phone and the face she had shown upon reading Jinsoo’s update on their plans. The lightheartded cheery feeling Himari had felt while looking forward to sharing a very much overdue lunch break with her friend quickly vanished - or, more like, turned into some kind of confused frustration over the idea of stepping another foot inside that room. The music room. Not this again.
Rolling down the wooden shutter separating her desk from the rest of the office, closing operations for her lunch break, she grabs her purse and the small wooden box carefully wrapped in a furoshiki, letting out a deep sigh. Himari pauses, losing her way to her own anxiety for a second. It will be fine. It’s just for lunch. No playing. No music. No piano. Why would there be an issue anyway? Jinsoo knows. He gets it, her battles with her inner demons and that constant struggle of not being physically able to not only cast a single spell, but also to produce the single mere sound without breaking into shambles. But if he gets it, why would he pick this room, out of all the available places on campus during lunch hours?

Her heart feels like it’s gone on a rollercoaster trip for a couple of minutes, and she takes another deep breath. She promised, and when Himari makes a promise, she sure does keep it, whatever the cost. And it should really not mean anything at all. Aren’t you overthinking again, Himari? Seeing obstacles when the only hitch in the way is your own tendency to live in denial and your inability to face things as they truly are?
Shaking off the growing panic as she sees the time flying by - because two minutes late is already too late - she steps out of the small administration office and finds her way to the dreaded meeting place, without even thinking. She knows those hallways, those buildings, those rooms like the back of her own hand, after years of getting lost as a child, years of daydreaming as a teenager, years of lies as an adult. The music room is just on the other side from that red old bridge, in a more traditional wing of the school. Himari lets her legs slow down for a little while to enjoy a couple more seconds in the Japanese garden, drags her feet in her school slippers. Spring is already gone, cherry blossoms flying away to leave room for bright leafy greens, but summer has yet to wrap the country in its humid jungle fever, in a perfect balance that barely lasts a couple of weeks a year. Too busy trying to make peace with this strange pattern invading her life for the past few weeks, she barely notices the fine letters glowing on the wooden deck as she walks by. It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. Long gone are the times where she would pay attention and believe in such empty words, despite her eagerness to make everyone believe the opposite, including herself.

Himari finally finds her way to the music room, five minutes late to find Jinsoo sitting on a table, feet on a chair, drinking off a bottle. She shows a polite yet sincere smile pushing the sliding door. おはよう！Hello! she says, before walking up to Jinsoo with an extreme effort to not catch a single glimpse of the piano in the corner for the room. It’s like it’s been following her, haunting her dreams and sneaking into her daily life for the past few days, as a painful reminder that it’s never really been gone. That she’s the only one who’s been away for far too long. 久々の楽器ルームだね…The music room... it's been a while... she almost whispers, but loud enough for Jinsoo to hear as she gives him a reprimanding glance before shooting another smile - because it’s okay. She’s fine. It’s harmless. Or is it? Himari is nervous, and it must show, her moves feeling slightly less natural than usual as she climbs on a table facing her friend to unwrap the furoshiki around the wooden lunch box, putting down the thin case holding her chopsticks and taking a bottle of green tea out of her bag. まぁいっか。ジンスーくんは？元気？Oh well. What about you? How are you? she lets out, before showing a more relaxed smile to her friend as she inquires about him, having now passed that critical moment of “stepping inside the room” thankfully without being struck by lightning.

The atmosphere was strange, that day; heavy as if a thunderstorm was quietly brewing somewhere else, waiting for the perfect moment to explode; lonely as the first day of a season, when nothing was completely real because nothing was completely transformed yet. Summer would come soon, deploying its warmth on all of them, sprawling around everyone until they would not be able to escape it any more. But today was still full of the heady, sweet perfume of hyacinth and wisteria – it was taking all the room in his mind, invading his thoughts and creative process, even though closing the window had been the first thing he had done when entering the room.

His fingers slid on the strings, making them vibrate against his skin – the notes echoed in the empty music room, leaving the ghost of their presence everywhere, infusing the air and his mood without any effort at all; replacing the smell of flowers, destroying all traces of spring and time slipping all around him. And, finally, he could breathe. This was exactly why he was there, why he had asked Himari if she wanted to have lunch with him in this room in particular; there was something that he couldn’t really explain about music, something that echoed in his body so badly that cutting himself from it sounded as painful as cutting his own arm, tearing his own heart out from his ribcage.

That was the only thing that they had, the two of them, and he couldn’t stand to watch her ignore it any longer.

A few minutes before lunch time, he quietly laid his guitar on another table – even though he was convinced that Himari needed to stop refusing to see who she really was, he was extremely aware of how painful it was to be a spectator when others were still able; to be forced to watch as his own failings were exacerbated by how easy it was to others, by how their bodies weren’t betraying them the way his did.
((why are you doing that, Jinsoo?))
« Hello! » Jinsoo lifted his head immediately, too deep in his own thoughts to have noticed that she had arrived. « Heyyy ! » he offered back, looking at her; observing how she would react when confronted to the piano. Her stubborn decision to not acknowledge its presence made him smile a little, but it wasn’t because it was funny or enjoyable. Rather, it felt like being right after having predicted that a movie would be bad. « The music room... it's been a while… » Jinsoo looked around him, trying to notice if anything had changed in the past years; but all he could see had stood there for a long time and probably would look the same even after they both would have left Mahoutokoro, one day. At least, he hoped that they would leave. « Did you miss it? » he asked softly, trying to erase the edge from his voice, from his tone, from his soul. Watching her struggle with her furoshiki reminded him of why they were there in the first place, so he opened his bag to grab the mooncalf cheese okonomiyaki – without cilantro, because he had taste buds – he had bought on his way to Mahoutokoro, that morning, while the city was still mostly asleep. « Oh well. What about you? How are you? » He shrugged. Today wasn’t supposed to be about him – no day really was, but that one in particular really shouldn’t be. « Not much. I almost broke my ankle yesterday because my dance partner tripped, but nothing really exciting. Some annoying clients at the Alestra, though. » He also wanted to tell her about his new music, about how he had started working on new themes and instruments, but he wasn’t sure that it would be appropriate yet. She was such a gentle creature, Himari, soft like an afterglow, that now that she was in front of him he was suddenly afraid that he would break her.
And, clearly, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he did.
« Is Sawano still being a dick to you? » Jinsoo asked, transforming his guilt into contempt while opening the plastic box that contained his lunch and rummaging through his bag to find his chopsticks. « He’s been looking extra peachy lately. I don’t like that. »

There is almost something relaxing and peaceful about meeting up with Jinsoo. No witchcraft, no spells. No crazy stories about duels gone wrong or magic pranks pulled to this other house, no heated debate or awkward questions about that person's special ability. Meeting up with Jinsoo has somewhat of a predictable, simple nature that Himari's anxious soul just strives for, far from her usual circle's shenanigans or the concerned looks and stares of whoever sees her struggling in the office. Some kind of much-needed break after the past few months and her old demons trying to grab her back into that terrifying whirlwind - built of all the things she has never been able to properly face.
The music room, though. Himari gathers all of her available strength to put on a smile a sweep these worries under the rug for the sake of her friend, but it is unavoidable. Like a ghost following her everywhere for the past few months, feeling it constantly breathing down her neck. Greeting Jinsoo while opening the sliding door, she shoots a smile and joins him in the room, sitting on one of the desks pushed away near the windows as her hand mindlessly scratches the back of her head. His question takes her aback a little, then leaves her silent for a couple of seconds, weighing every thought and every word to give him the most honest answer she possibly can. かもしれないね…I don't know... Himari lets out, a tiny single confused frown forming between her eyebrows. Maybe she has. Maybe not. And right now, either way sounds equally terrifying. If indeed she did miss it, she had no clue on how to solve it. And if she didn't... the option does not even sound remotely acceptable right now, perfectly contempt in that little limbo of "will she, won't she", way more comfortable with not dealing with anything at all from her own little hideout.
The sun pierces through the tall pagodas surrounding the arts wing, bathing them in a soft and warm light for their break. Himari's lunch boxes are always carefully prepared, and although not particularly fancy-looking, one could definitely tell the thought she puts on it every night. The wooden box is neatly divided on two perfectly balanced parts, white rice lined with scrambled egg and a pickled plum on one side, steamed swordfish and broccoli on the other - maybe a great metaphor on how much of a boring and conventional Japanese Muggle she has been for the past few years. Almost as if she had adjusted her own lifestyle as a way to accept her current state, embracing the excruciating absence of anything remotely magical in her veins since the accident. Joining her hands balanced on top of the box, she lets a softly whispered いただきます out before picking out some rice between her chopsticks. Listening to Jinsoo's little summary of what's been up in his life lately, nodding along as he speaks, opening her eyes a little wider as he mentions his dancing accident, relaxing when he adds that it was nothing serious. Being invested in her friends' lives is just so, so much easier than talking about her own, especially lately. あれ？迷惑なお客さんってどういうことなの？Eh? What do you mean by "annoying customers"? Himari asks, curious to hear more about what has been going on in the very unfamiliar nightlife side of town. Places she has never stepped a foot in before, restricting her nighttime outings to Neo-san's house parties, because it has always been the most comfortable balance between socializing and keeping to herself in a familiar setting.
Jinsoo dropping Sawano's name all of a sudden kind of takes Himari by surprise, definitely not expecting to touch upon this topic today, and even less over lunch with a friend. She just stops chewing for half a second, interrupting her move as the chopsticks' tips are barely touching her lips. I don't like that. Here is the red flag she would have needed a few years ago to defuse the situation and deny everything, too scared that anything would escalate and get out of her control, but it has been a while since the last time Himari had really felt threatened by this whole messed up deal. After a couple of years, it took her even less time to realize that Sawano's bark is way worse than his bite. Preserving her stupid little lies turned into a habit by now. うん。いいよ。そんな悪くないから。Hmm, no. It's (he's?) really not that bad. she casually mumbles while chewing on a small piece of broccoli, her vague wording leaving slight room for interpretation. Because it (he?) is really not, aside from the lying part - which is also entirely her own fault. No details, carefully picking her words to defuse this embryo of a situation, because none of them can afford to start yet another random fight over nothing right now, really. 自分のために戦えるからね...I can stand up for myself, you know... she adds, shooting another lighthearted smile with a cheerful laugh at Jinsoo - not that it really means anything, but for what it is worth, it is the complete truth. Himari also learnt how to express her disapproval and voice her own thoughts around Sawano as months went. Because following whichever stupid orders or buying him food would not mean he would not hear about her opinions as an added bonus. Jinsoo's face doesn't seem very convinced, though, and Himari drops the casual tone for a second. 本当だよ。Really. she adds, dead serious, balancing her chopsticks across the top of her lunch box to get a quick drink out of her bottle of iced tea.
A silence falls for a few seconds, and Himari clears her throat before asking a new question. なにを弾いてたの最近？What have you been practicing lately? she says, way less averse to talking music as long as she personally has nothing to do with it. Hearing Jinsoo talking guitar, or playing himself, it has always felt like a good way to just avoid thinking too much about her own problems. Projecting herself into someone who actually can produce music, deep-diving into the notes and variations and all the stories told just to escape for a minute - just as she used to do herself years ago.

He could almost perceive what thoughts were forming in her head over his questions and, when her face fell, everything clicked. Putting back his hair in place, he wondered how he would have reacted if someone had asked him if he was missing his hometown, his family – something that had been part of himself, surely, but that he had left  behind without thinking too hard about it ((just so he wouldn’t have the opportunity to regret it)).  « It’s fine to not know », Jinsoo said almost immediately, backtracking with the ease of someone who was always testing the waters, making sure that his answers would please the person on front of them just so that they wouldn’t ask too many questions. They were both dancing on the same wire and he didn’t want to see her fall – he would prefer if she jumped, because then maybe he would have the strength to do it too.
« Your lunch boxes always look crazy good » he said as she was opening it. « Mine, on the other hand… » Still looking at the neatly presented food in Himari’s box, he started digging in the okonomiyaki without paying much intention to the integrity of it.  He wasn’t sure to what extent it was supposed to be a normal adult skill or not. When he was younger, no one had prepared any lunch boxes for him after Bam Hyuk had arrived – that would have required to acknowledge his existence, after all, and that wasn’t a Min thing to do. All he got was lunch money to buy snacks (when they didn’t forget about it) on his way to school and the habit had lasted until that day. « Maybe you should give me a class or two about making cool aesthetic food so that I can put them on my Instagram » he said, deciding that his inability to assemble a proper lunch was a legacy from the Min he didn’t want to uphold. Some things should be abolished, transformed, erased from memory, and everything his parents had given him fitted that category.

« Eh? What do you mean by "annoying customers"? » Jinsoo shrugged, stuffing his mouth with food. « Oh, you know – », he paused to swallow, « idiots who think they own the place and should have everything go their way. People under the influence of something are the worst customers, I swear. » The Alestra was definitely quieter than a lot of places in Nagao, but it didn’t deter some of the most determined assholes in the city. Briefly, Jinsoo considered all of the other places he had worked at after finishing high school, putting more food in his mouth; the Alestra definitely had an upside that mattered to him. « The owner is nice, though, so there’s that. » Which was definitely an improvement compared to multiple people he had worked for in the past years. « You should come by, one day. I’d make you a special drink. » He doubted that she would, though; Himari wasn’t the kind of people who went to the Alestra. Or went anywhere, really, now that he was thinking about it – he couldn’t remember the last time he had seen her navigate outside of the serene waters of Mahoutokoro.

He was still lost in his thoughts when Himari answered his questions regarding Sawano – immediately, though, the wording sounded strange to his non-native ears. « Wait – I didn’t get it, sorry. What did you mean? » It souded as if she hadn't been talking about Sawano in particular, but maybe he had misunderstood. That wouldn’t be the first nor the last time: even though his Japanese had made significant progress in the past years, he was still easily confused and his accent kept coloring his syllables despite his efforts to erase it. But that wasn’t important – what was important was how flustered Himari looked, suddenly. She could take care of herself, she swore, a laugh as a punctuation and a "really" serious like the last sentence of a song. « Oh, don’t worry, I believe you » he said before putting the last of his lunch in his mouth. « I still think he’s an asshole, but I’m sure you can handle him. I just wonder why you guys keep hanging out, ya know? »
Himari looked anxious to put the Sawano subject behind them, so he didn’t insist and followed her lead. « Weeeeell… » he started, putting his now empty recyclable container to the side to grab his guitar. « So, I’ve been thinking lately that it’s really difficult for me to make music I really like because they’re either too muggle for wizards or too… witchy… for muggles, you know? I can’t find an angle that works because I’m neither. » It took him great efforts to keep his tone light, to make sure that the edge wouldn’t come back; that all he was talking about was music and not anything else. No one needed to know how deeply it cut to say that, how everytime that no one noticed the pain it was salt in his wounds and relief that the lie was still intact at the exact same time. ((he wanted so badly to be seen, to be perceived, but it had to be on his own terms.)) « So, I figured that I should just… embrace the fact that it won’t fit either category, you know? And try to make a new one. Maybe some people would be interested. Like these movies that you can watch as a kid and, when you watch them again as an adult, you understand more stuff? But for wizards and muggles. » Now that he had explained it, the idea didn’t sound so good anymore – it had felt more natural and better when it was still nested in his head, not lit by the strong, unforgiving light of reality. « Okay, it sounds a bit dumb now that I've said it. I don’t know. It’s just an idea. »

Jinsoo is always patient. Even when the questions are tricky and dig their way through Himari's heart by bringing up everything else she has piled up on top to hide everything away, his words are delicate and his voice is always gentle. A very probable reason why it's easier to talk about it out loud when he's around, after days and days of keeping silent, despite not even having a single answer to her own questions either. He understands, too. What it feels to not know. Stuck in this strange void space between two worlds, where no middle ground is as accepted as they wish it was.
Himari stays silent for a second. Is it, though? Is it fine to not know? Her eyes drop to the ground, taking a breath to let out words that she has probably never heard coming from her own mouth before. 結局に戻ってくるのかピアノのことを完全に忘れるのかどっちが一番辛いのは分からないからね...I'm not sure which would be more painful between picking it up again or just forgetting about it completely... she lets out, with a shaky voice, and the sad smile hiding her inner battle against the tears, her hands wrapped around her lunch box. But they are just words, they should not feel that painful, burning her throat as they come out, stabbing her heart like that. Two options that feel just as terrifying as one another, having to choose between facing her past and having to bear the thought of being a terrible friend and a terrible human being, or giving up on the only thing that truly ever made her silly boring self feel somewhat special.

Lunch gives a good excuse to change the subject, in pure Jinsoo fashion, as he juggles with words and topics with her like a circus artist. He always makes it look so easy, and it's always strangely comforting, whatever he says. The compliment on her lunch takes her aback, staring at the extremely simple menu she stuffed in her own box this morning, letting out a little laugh as Jinsoo suggests posting a picture of it on social media. いや、そんな上手じゃないけど超バラバラ、Oh no, I'm not that good! It's all so messy... she blurts out, her heart a little lighter than a few minutes ago.  料理には同年代のマッグル人に絶対負けてお母さんからいつもてきとうって言われてるよ...I'm definitely not as good as the other Muggles from my year. And my mom always tells me I'm too sloppy... Himari adds, in a rare reference to her estranged family. Feeling further and further away from them despite going home every New Year and for her own birthday, as time goes and her lie thickens, convinced that she has never and will never be the perfect, smart and successful daughter they wished they had. Having never really understood the place witchcraft and wizardry once held for her. And now it's all gone anyway. Himari mutes away the voice of her mom scolding her for not being as good of a cook as their neighbors' daughter - did you hear Reiko-chan is getting married next year? Her fiancé comes from a good and wealthy family, but she is such a sophisticated lady, no wonder she was able to marry this well - to take a peek at Jinsoo's okonomiyaki with a playful smirk. マホ学校にて家庭科の授業がないから無理で仕方がないね...I guess it can't be helped if MahoGakko doesn't give us home economics classes... she innocently says with a little laugh, as being raised mostly as a Muggle allowed her to have at least a small headstart on this silly competition.

Taking a bite from the pickled plum, she listens to Jinsoo's description of the typical Alestra clientele with his usual casual snark. なるほど...I see... Not that she would know, anyway, as Himari has never been a bar person. Somehow, it just makes sense with the stories she hears about students outings in the bars around Kanto. His idea of her showing up there for a drink just makes her laugh a little, hiding her mouth behind her hand. アレストラにいるのひまり？熱に浮かされるの？Me at the Alestra? Now that just sounds like a fever dream, are you okay? Himari teases as the thought of this just seems rather unrealistic, as anyone would probably picture her more as a coffee or flower shop person. As she spends most of her nights by herself, drinking warm tea staring at the stars through her window sitting on her bed. She's not really concerned by what her friend describes of the customers he faces everyday, though. As long as he's fine with the place, Jinsoo sounds like he can handle a few idiots either way.

Her tentative of dodging the question about Sawano by answering something vague on purpose seems to fall flat into Jinsoo's non-native perspective - making Himari drop the topic immediately. Why exactly, she is not quite sure. Probably out of confusion, or out of fear of saying too much or too little. Or just because it's yet another part of her life on which she literally does not know what to say or what to think herself, because it's all too strange and too confusing, and few would really truly understand why it came to this and why she still lets the deal drag on after all this time. うん、なんでもないよ。Hmm, whatever, it's not important. Maybe out of fear of being judged for being comfortable with the status quo. Out of fear of her friends meddling with the situation for it to escalate and her to lose the smallest control she currently holds over it. Or does she even have any? While it's true that she has learnt to handle it after all these these months of dealing with Sawano - and learning that he is definitely more talk than action - she won't answer that second question, there is no way. なぜでしょうね...Yeah, I wonder why... she thoughtfully lets out while mixing the scrambled eggs and rice with her chopsticks. Not as if she didn't know already, but that deal and her getting blackmailed into paying for his food is definitely not a piece of information any of her friends need to hear right now.

She had to ask. The music. The guitar on the desk. Because if she can't produce music, the second best thing is to listen, especially when her friends can play themselves. And upon hearing that Jinsoo had been working on new pieces lightens up the room, Himari's face brightening a little to her friend's creative process. Living thoroughly through Jinsoo's guitar, as he draws the inevitable parallel between his art and who he is. 聞きたいよ、このジンスーらしいの音楽。I want to hear it. This Jinsoo-like music. Himari says, putting down her lunchbox on the desk to let her chin rest in her hands, facing her friends with a peaceful smile. Play for me, Jinsoo. May your music be the light guiding me through this choice I have to make for myself. His words resonate in the room as Himari just listens carefully, because not being what she was supposed to may be her life now that her magical and musical abilities seem to be gone, but it has not always been - or not this way. Not like Jinsoo. She can sympathize, but it will never truly compare. 一番素敵な音楽のは自分に素直になる時の作くるだからと思うけど。Because the most beautiful music is the one you make when you're true to yourself. Himari blurts it out as if she was supposed to finish some kind of sentence, but it just makes sense. She could only wish it was something she would also truly hear and believe in herself. That maybe being honest and destroying the glass walls around her comfortable delusions is the solution. Is that what those dreams have been about? The piano, the music, Yori's smile fading away slowly, like a heavy burden that would be heartbreaking to be relieved from. But you're not ready. Himari finds her way back from her own thoughts, shooting a smile at her friend while grabbing her lunchbox again. 偉いね、ジンスーくん。そんな自信あるのはちょっと羨ましい...That is amazing, Jinsoo-kun. I'm a little jealous of this confidence... she says with a light yet somewhat sad laugh. She only wishes she had the confidence to embrace who she is too, enough to be able to state what she truly wants. Enough to bring back into her life the only thing that allows her to be something more than the average, normal, boring scaredy cat she is. Enough to speak up instead of being scared of disturbing the peace. Because she knows what lies beyond is probably a billion times better than how fragile things are right now - but you're just not ready.

Himari’s words had  a strange feeling attached to them – he knew, deep down in his bones, that he could have said exactly the same thing. That he felt exactly the same way regarding his complete absence of magical powers, of spark igniting his blood; was it more painful to accept what was or to keep hoping, to let Gaia and her research create images in his brain and to wander that path, unable to know if it would ever end in a positive way? « Yeah », he said in a low voice, his fingers gently touching the guitar strings, just enough to let a note infuse the room without really breaking the quietness embracing them. « I get what you mean. Honestly – I don’t know. » And it was the truth, terrifying enough that he was glad they changed subjects, that she was there and that he wasn’t left alone to dwell in these thoughts, to wander in the meanders of possibilities without anyone to guide him, to accompany him. Himari was there with him.

« And my mom always tells me I'm too sloppy... » He raised an eyebrow, unable of stopping his facial expression to become throughly judgmental. « Well, they look amazing to me. » Her joke and little laugh immediately appeased the venom that had started to build up in his veins, making them feel acidic and violent, though. « Yeah, they really can’t teach us anything useful, can they? » He tried to remember if he had had such classes in high school, but his life on the island seemed so far away, so deeply buried in his chest that the only things he could remember were the smell of salty water and the sun burning his neck. But that wasn’t important – not that day, not ever. Udo island could be burned to the ground, the dark sand filled with ashes and wood. He truly could not care less. « Me at the Alestra? Now that just sounds like a fever dream, are you okay? » He offered her a gentle smile. « Hey, don’t mock my dreams! Also, I would offer you an asshole-free and alcohol-free experience. But you’re right, it’s clearly not your crowd. »

Even if she had so clearly escaped from the Sawano conversation, Jinsoo didn’t insist. They had so much to talk about that wasting time on Sawano felt extremely wrong to Jinsoo anyway – and she was good, too good maybe, at avoiding what she didn’t want to talk about and offer alternative discussions that would grab his attention immediately. « This Jinsoo-like music », she said, and he immediately felt his cheek flush, burning under the compliment. Because it was a compliment, wasn’t it, to qualify something so personal as jinsoo-like? Most people, when telling him that something was making them think of him, would simply forward dance performances, interesting musics, and sometimes just random Korean things. But Himari’s words made him feel seen, truly known as he really was, as he really should be. And that devoured everything that he had been feeling in this classroom – all of the angst and terror and disgust at himself and his stupid blood and stupid family.

« Alright » he said, because there wasn’t anything else to say. She had already said everything that truly mattered, everything that was needed to convince him that maybe he was on the right track, for once. « I’ll play. And one day, you’ll join me. » It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a promise. It was a fact, he could feel it in her words, in the way she observed him as he readjusted his guitar on his lap and
started
playing.